Thursday 28 January 2021

A Barcode on My Bottom

So I awake to find a barcode on my bottom. 

Stumbling still half asleep to the ensuite, I discover a sticky label on my right cheek. I pull it off and find a barcode. 

Where did that come from? Off my jar of night cream perhaps, used the previous evening in the vain hope that in the morning my skin will look 'new and improved'?

Or could it be a sign that 'something wonderful is just around the corner  . . . "?

I later reveal to friends I have found a barcode on my bottom. 

"I did not know you were for sale," says one. "I am to the highest bidder," I reply. He offers me a quid.

Another says: "Where should I swipe my credit card?" 

A third says: "Can you give us a tune? A cracking little cheeky number?" We have been friends since junior school, and still share a childish joy in toilet humour and fart jokes. 

My travelling companion who joined me on a trip to the Canaries last year, quips: "Oh, I am glad you have found it at last. It's been there since Tenerife!"

A lovely cousin is kinder, telling me not to worry as I have some fine A Grade rump for sale. She is waiting for a cataract operation. 

As access to usual haunts for the enjoyment of alcohol is impossible in these lockdown times, another friend suggests the barcode could be for exclusive entry into my favourite wine bar.

Perhaps the numbers on the barcode could be lucky? It's been a few years since I have bought a lottery ticket, but off I go to the supermarket.The assistant has to show me how to fill out the form for a ticket. 

I purchase not just one Lotto ticket, but a 'Set for Life' and a Euro Million’s tickets too. Having downloaded an app i check my bottom barcode numbers at the appropriate time. A message pops up on my mobile phone  'no matches'. Bummer! But the Lotto reveals I have won . . . a free lucky dip. Underwhelmed but ever hopeful, I go back to the supermarket and buy another ticket with the free lucky dip . . . and win  . . . £30! 

I buy more tickets using the same ‘barcode on my bottom numbers’ plus another lucky dip, wine and chocolate. 

Will my bottom grow even wider under lockdown? Will additional sticky barcodes on my bottom strike lucky? You've got to be in it to win it! 


  1. Now don't be using a random bit of paper as a springboard for hard-core gambling or lucky dip buffets for one. Forget those numbers. They will only lead to trouble.

    1. Forgotten the numbers already! Still got the sticky label though. I have some premium bonds from 1960!